Stop The World I want to get off

I know its not a ton but we have to celebrate small victories here.  3 on the left ovary and 3 on the right.  The sizes ranged from 9-14. 

If all goes as planned, we are most likley looking at Egg Retrieval this weekend.

Phew.

I’m still nervous of course but small victories we celebrate today.

So Today is officially day 3. 450 ius of gonal F last night; now today through Saturday I split the dose 225am and 225pm; Sunday I go in for blood.

Had to renew my scripts so the pharmacist called and apparently I have maxed out my $10K maximum for the fertility meds so I have to pay $1800.

Lord have mercy.  It better work because honestly – we wont be able to do this again.  I put it on a credit card, I mean what else could I do?

Please please please please make this be it.

So, Mom is having a hysterectomy.  The doctor said it is a 50/50 chance that it is uterine cancer.  She is totally freaked out.

Im trying to be very positive.  I dont know why, but I feel in my gut that it is going to be fine.  I’m sad for my mom cause shes scared.  God we’ve had a crappy run with some stuff in this family.  But to look on the bright side- we always seem to get through it.

Surgery date is March 5th, until then there is really nothing to do except pray and be positive.  I told her last night there is a 50% chance its NOT Cancer…… so I’m concentrating on that end of it.

On another note, went in for my Day 2 scan this AM.  All clear to start.  450 IUs of gonal F tonight.

Wonder if I’ll even make it to Egg Retrevial.  But I’m thinking positive- that is my mantra.

Positivity.

Sorry its been so long.  Life happens and just gets in the way.

Got a call yesterday from my mom’s cell phone (It was in the middle of the day and I was at work)

It in fact was not my mom, by my aunt (moms sister).  She was with my mom but my mom couldn’t talk cause she was really upset.  Apparently mom had a biopsy on her endometrium and turns out there is something suspicious there that could be cancer.

She has something called complex hyperplasia with atypia.  Anyway, I didn’t even know she was having a biopsy or that she even went to the doctor, as I found out later she had some bleeding last week which prompted the doctor visit.  She is well past menopause so obviously she was concerned.

We are going for a second opinion today at Mt. Sinai in NYC.  My sister works there and was able to get us an appointment right away.  Her ob/gyn suggested a full hysterectomy.

After I pulled myself together, and got some work done (since I was going to be out of the office today) I went to the bathroom before I left the office at 7pm and got my period.  Joy.

Anyway, I’m going in for my scan tomorrow am (wed) to hopefully begin our second attempt at IVF.  I struggled last night if today is actually day 2 or tomorrow is day 2 as since I’m taking my mom to the doctor today it would have totally screwed up everything.  Anyway, hubby and I did some fuzzy math and figured that 7am this am would only be 12 hours since I got my period so technically this is still day 1 and tomorrow (wed) will be the middle of day 2.  Do you ladies agree???  Is there a big difference between day 2 and day 3 start?

Oh and if its not too much to ask….. a few prayers from the blogosphere would be appreciated.

Love me.

I woke up this am with my first period of the year.  Cramps are really bad and I’m struggling to get out of bed.  I just let the dogs out back (instead of walking them).  It is also like 5 degrees out so not in a hurry to get dressed for that.

I guess I really knew I was not going to be pregnant this month.  We only had sex ONCE during my so called fertile time.  It is really funny to me though that I can still find a glimmer of hope each month, even after all this time.

My hubby is a die hard football fan and so went to his sisters house to watch the game last night with his entire family – they live 2 hours away.  I already had plans with my girlfriends.  One of my friends had a gold party.  It was pretty fun.  This jeweler comes over and everyone sells their old boyfriend jewelry (or other gold jewelry that you would never wear again) you’d be surprised how it adds up!  And the host gets 10% of what sells.  I only had 90 bucks worth – but some people were getting like 1000 dollars!!  Anyway the point of the story was that I was home alone last night since my husband stayed overnight at his sisters.  For the first time since we  owned our house I was scared.  I’m not sure why…. I kept hearing noises and I was just uneasy….. very light and bad sleep….and then I woke up with my period…

Oh well.  I guess the good news is that I am traveling so much during January for work and I thought that I’d get my period next week ( I ended up getting it on day 24 not day 27 as I had calculated) so where was I- oh yeah the good news….. I wont be away on a trip when I am ovulating as I originally thought……so we can try on our own before our IVF in Feb.

Either way we are def doing the IVF in Feb.  Unless there is a miracle before that….. and we all know that those miracles just don’t happen to me. God I hope something works soon.

Did I ever blog about my experience with a psychic back in December of 2006?  Well what she said has haunted me since then. We had gotten married in 2005 and on our year anniversary in 2006 we threw away the birth control….  I saw this psychic a few months after that.  I had hired her for a client event, and I got there early so I could go first before anyone arrived.  Anyway I was in that excited that we were trying stage…..obviously oblivious to what was to be our infertility reality.  I asked when I was going to get pregnant and she said very confidently 4 years.  I was like no way thats impossible – we are trying now, I am perfectly healthy etc.   and she said well you don’t have to believe me – but its 4 years.  And then she went on to say, and it’s not 4 years when you have a baby, its 4 years till you get pregnant.  She went on to say we’d have 2 girls – one right after each other and no problems with the pregnancy.  I was devestated.  AND have been thinking about this ever since.   Well 2010 is the 4 year mark of that date…… however it was December of 2006 when I met with her…. so technically December of 2010 is when I am supposed to be pregnant.   In a way, since I have thought of this pretty much every day through all of our issues…… I’m elated that 2010 is finally here as I always seemed like an eternity away.  HOWEVER, a part of me is, this is ridiculous!!!

Curious about you gals in blogland….. what are your thoughts on this??

Saying good bye to another year.  Oh how I really want to see 2010 as a positive year.  I just wish I could shake the failure that overcomes me everyday.

The last few years have just been so filled with pain.  lets recap:

2007- found out I had septum- had surgery;

2008 thyroid cancer; 2 failed iuis; made bad work decisions

2009 :  new job sucks- making ton less money- actually struggling financially for the first time in my life (well since college); another septum surgery, 3 failed iuis, 1 IVF cancelled for poor response

What will 2010 bring??  I woke up this morning with a pretty bad sore throat and my husband actually said this “im so sick of your ailments- go see a psychiatrist”

Great way to start the new year.

I wrote an entire post before and lost it  

So here is the abbreviated version. 

I tested last night (12 days post iui)  BFN.  Not surprised though.  Still no AF, I supposing the Progesterone suppositories are delaying it a bit.

I will test once more tomorrow am before I stop the progesterone.

I’m sad.  I dont get it.  What the hell is wrong with me??  I had 3 really big juicy follicles.  I just dont get it.

I need some hope that I will ever have a baby.  The notion that I wont is very scary to me.

I remember last time this year we were going though our first IUIs and full of hope.  Never in a million years did I think we’d be in the same spot, wishing, waiting, hoping and on the verge of tears half the time.

I’m about to lose it and I can see that my husband sees this too and he doesnt know how to handle me.  He is not good in situations where I am not ok so I kind of hate him right now. 

Why dont men understand that just giving a hug sometimes just does the trick.  He is of the mentality of “shake it off” and “never let it get to you”…. I’m of the let me wallow until I’m strong enough to get out of it….. and when I am, give me your hand and help me get up and then lets go for ice cream sundays.

Thank you to all the blogosphere for being so kind in your words.  It was nice to hear everyones stories and I’m trying, trying, trying to remain positive.  I  feel a little less hormonal which I guess is helping also. 

Thank you also to whoever sent my support into to LFCA – it was special and means alot so thank you again.

I’m very busy at work during this 2ww so I wont have much time to obsess.

My Thyroid panel was within normal range so thats not the reason I’m not responding.

Oh and I was not on BCP prior to the cycle so that is not the reason either. 

ANYWAY, still trying to stay positive

so now the wait begins.

Today’s IUI went off without a hitch.  Hubby actually gave the sample at the office – this was a big deal as in the past he always did at home and delivered in that little sterile cup….

well since today was a weekday- we were going to have major traffic issues so we kinda didnt have a choice.

hoping for a miracle.

Got my HCG this morning. 

Tomorrow IUI.  They did a thyroid panel also today.  Dr. L’s not sure this has anything to do with my poor response but he said we should check anyway.

Hubby called Dr. L as when I called him to tell him the cycle was cancelled I was a blubbering idiot and could hardly tell him anything.

Dr. L said that I’m young and my FSH is low (it was 6 at last day 2 test) and that he said we just have to take it step by step.

No more IVFs in December for their office and I am traveling for my sales conference in January so we tentativley scheduled me for Feb.

I know its terrible but I have no faith AT ALL that this is going to work.  Im feeling a bit hopeless and looking for my inner strength.  Where is it????