Stop The World I want to get off

I can’t thank everyone enough for all the supportive comments, I really needed it and appreciate it.  I’m doing much better now 1+ week since diagnosis.  I’ve been really educating myself on thyroid cancer and the process that comes along with it.  After the initial shock of the “c” word, and alot of research, I’m feeling very positive that I am going to be just fine.

My surgery is scheduled for May 5th.  So up until then I’m sure I will have some good days and bad days…… I did find out that after the I-131 radioactive treatment, we will probably have to wait 6months to 1 year to begin trying again.  I just turned 35 so of course this scares me.  I already told my husband, once that time frame is up, lets just go straight to the doctor and be aggressive on getting pregnant.  He is totally cool with that….he has been really good during this whole ordeal…..I could tell hes scared, and of course that scares me, but ultimately we are doing fine and will be fine.

It was hardest telling people, like my parents and my sister, and of course people at work.  Once I got that over with I felt much better.  I hate having people feel sorry for me, I don’tknow why but its totally irritating.  For example we are doing an MS walk for my mother in law later in the month, and my sister in law sends out this email to the entire family about getting together at her house after the walk for a bbq.  Fun right?  well the end of the email says to me directly “if you are not up to doing the walk, maybe you could volunteer”….this totally sent me in a raging mood….. Ok so If I’m upset about my diagnosis and dont want to walk… ok I get that, but why would I volunteer then?  Id just stay home…. and it was to the entire family!!!  I emailed her today and said I feel totally fine and I would be doing the walk with everyone else.  My husband says she was just trying to be sensitive…. ok then why did she send it to the ENTIRE FAMILY!! Most of which I didnt know even knew what is going on with me…. Ok now I got that out I feel better……but do you understand why this is so irritating to me??

Anyway, I work as a salesperson for a cable network and april is our busy month of presentations, so I’ve literally had like 3 meetings a day since I was diagnosed.  Its been good since I’ve just been so busy that I havent had time to stew in my diagnosis, which I think helps alot. 

Anyway, I’m taking a different approach to things.  I’ve got to think that things happen for a reason. I’m actually feeling lucky.  Lucky that I pushed to have this lump removed on my thyroid when both of my doctors did not think it was necessary.  Lucky that my surgeon instincually took out a nearby lymph node and found cancer there…..(usually he only removes the lymph nodes when he is taking out the entire thyroid); I feel lucky that I have not gotten pregnant.  This is has to be because I have cancer, and my body needs to totally heal before that could happen.  I have to think this way, otherwise I might not get through this.

I will write more later.

thanks.

your comments are all so sweet.  I’m not ready to write yet.  I’m getting there though….. just need a few more days to sit with it. 

Went to my follow up after my thyroid surgery today.  They found some thyroid cancer in one of the lymph nodes.  This means I get to have another joyful surgery, this time they will take the entire thyroid out and I will have to go on T-131 radio active treatment to make sure they got it all.  I will also take a hormone pill for the rest of my life.  This also means no baby for us in 2008.  Thats really all I can say right now but I will write later.

I’m sorry I’ve been such a blogging turd.  I have neglected you all with my ridiculous rantings about my boring life.  Believe me you’ve been spared.Well, I planned to post so many times and basically I felt like I was telling the same old story over and over again.  Ovulated, had unromantic baby making sex, got my period.  Does life ever seem so repetitive to you all?   Well then I thought, who would ever enjoy reading about this?….. and then I thought, these ladies are going through the same thing….. and it is comforting to know you are not alone…. help me out … is that true, does some of the things you read sometimes ease your pain that you are not alone??  I often find myself Latley I’ve been feeling that it just wont ever happen for me…. I mean I’m even passed the obsession….It’s hard to even write that cause I’m so blah on my feelings .    What have I been up to?  Well, most recently (last Wed the 26th) I had thyroid surgery.  They did not see any cancer so that is great new.  The doctor removed part of the right lobe and the middle, the isthmus.  I had a goiter and a cyst that was gradually getting bigger and at the last ultrasound, doc noticed it changed a little so we took the most safe option and had it removed.  Ok, so lets talk about the surgery for a min.  When I had my laprascopy for the removal of the septum in my uterus, I had general anesthesia.  They put something in my IV and then the next thing I knew I was wrapped up in really warm blankets, kind of fuzzy but nice and sleepy and they were done.  NOT THIS TIME.  Holy cow.  I mean granted they were basically slicing my throat, but I woke up and I felt like total garbage.  I was in so much pain.  The tube they put down my throat during the anesthesia had caused so much pain and my neck, not only sore from being cut, but from being strained back, my God!…. So the nurse gives me a ton or morphine and I get so nauseated that I honestly want to puke, but guess what, I have absolutley nothing in my stomach, surgery was at 1, I was not allowed to eat from midnight the night before and it was like 330 or something.  Not to mention that my throat hurt so bad (inside and out) i would have died if i threw up.  Anyway, thank God for my Mom.  My husband sucks in these situations.  My mom stayed overnight at our house, she made me toast, she basically babied me. ……I love my Mom.  Note to self, tell Mom you love her.So today is day 5 after surgery, I actually started feeling alot better on Saturday and yesterday I felt great.  Today I felt like crap.  Maybe I just did too much yesterday, my obsessive compulsive genes overcame me and I couldnt stop straightening up.  My neck incision is healing, although I look a bit like frankenstein.  My hubby took me out for a couple of hours on Sat and we got some cute turtlenecks that were on sale at Banana Republic…. .short sleeves so I can still wear them, which is great, cause I am a little weirded out about the scar.  What else?  Oh yeah, our dog  Simpson is a dream.  We love him so so so much. He is kind, sweet, walks on a leash so nice, friendly, loving….but One problem, a big one.  Whenever we leave he poops or pees on the carpet.  I’m beside myself with this.  He doesnt do it at all when we are home with him.  He hates the crate too.  When we brought him home he loved the crate and now he tries to chew his way out.  Seriously dont know what to do about this.  Tonight the doggie shrink from the adoption agency is calling us. They say usually its the owners fault.  I’ll keep you posted.So, about the baby making thing.  So last night we decided to give it an old college try the next 2 cycles and then we are going to go back to the RE and see what our next steps are.  I turned 35  a couple of weeks ago and that is freaking me out a little.Thanks for listening.  Send me comments.  I’ve been keeping my eye on you gals.  

Well, he didnt actually eat it, but our cute little simpson did pick it up this morning from the charger and throw it in the air….my husband and I were so super psyched because he has hardly played at all since we got him.  We were told that rescued greyhounds simply do not know how to play, they were never taught, they also have never been inside a home, so they also dont know how to climb stairs, never saw a tv, etc……  I’m totally in love with this dog, and to think I did not even want one!!  Seriously people, I was laughing and clapping when he picked up my blackberry….. Today Simpson went to doggie daycare.  I was nervous because our house cleaners were coming today and I didnt want them or the dog to be freaked out….. he was only there for half day.  TKS picked him up and he got a report card….. it reads….”today my mood was happy”, “I played with milo, sally”… and a bunch of other dogs that I dont remember the names of that TKS read to me.   I am concerned for my well being.  Am I going to be the old maid with dogs in daycare???  On another note, I have not really obsessed about how this cycle went.  We got the most important days covered.  I am well into my 2 week wait, but I do not feel any symptoms.  I mean really nothing.  I’m headed to San Fran on Sunday till Thursday for work, but I should know before then.  I’m pretty sure its not happening.  I hate that I am so sure every friggin month.  I mean, I know about the law of attraction and the secret and all that, but I always just know that it will be negative.  How do I change this attitude?  Someone, anyone?? I lost 4.5 lbs on the chefs diet.  the food is awesome and I’m loving it. I sometimes picture myself in a bikini this summer and then get mad at myself since I should be wishing for a fat baby belly.  Believe me, I want the fat baby belly, but kind of scared to wish for it…. 

That’s how I feel like right now.   the bad: 1) Got my period on Tues.  24 friggin day cycle again.  I’m seriously waiting one more month of this and calling Doc.  Oh yeah and painful.2) I have a growth on my thyroid.  This has been going on for over a year.  Had it biopsied- its a non cancerous cyst.  The biopsy with a fine needle drained it- i know gross and it went away.  Well it came back, bigger. I feel it like I have a piece of food caught in my throat.  However, my thyroid levels are normal as can be.  So met with a specialist, a surgeon and I am going for another ultrasound to see how much bigger it got.  Then we take it out.  So bottom line, I’m most likely having surgery.  what a year.  I have not had surgery in 34 years of my life until now and I have 2.  One for a f-ed up uterus and now this gross growth on thyroid!The good: 1) Started my new job this past week- so far so good.  no office politics which is almost UN heard of.  I love my co-workers.  I love my boss.  I’m already learning and being challenged, which is what I crave…..2)We are adopting…… a dog.   Not just any dog mind you…… a greyhound!!  We’ve been thinking about or I should say TKS has been thinking about it for a LONG time.  I’ve always said, after we get married, when we have a house, when we have a yard, when one of us works close to home……. I went as far as saying, when we get pregnant….. and now a year and a half later when he asked again , well I just couldn’t say no.  I tried to attach a pic of him…… hopefully I did it right.  He is 3 years old.  He raced 50 times.  Right now he is in a prison program, he is living with an inmate and supposedly it helps rehabilitate them…. Anway, sorry for the short post…. but with the new gig and all, I’ve been crazed.  And now I want to catch up on everyone elses posts….. until then……Sandy

holy cow.

I don’t know even where to begin since my last blog.

This past week + has been emotionally more like a year (OK well I may be exaggerating a bit there)….. the problem with waiting so long to blog is I want to get to the end result that I tend to rush through the whole stinkin saga……therefore I shall start with the ending first.

14) I have a new Job!!  I’ve accepted an offer to work at an emerging cable network that has some really interesting concepts…..like how to democratize tv.  I know almost everyone that works there and the president is a really smart lady that I will learn so so much from.

13) My resignation email went out at 3:30 on Friday.  I tried to get to everyone individually but it’s almost impossible when I work with so many offices all around the country….what I did find out through this is that my colleagues have a lot of respect for me and were truly sad that I was leaving.  My departure is bittersweet.

12) Feel an unbelievable amount of relief.  I’ve been actually smiling all day.

11) Had lunch with one of the guys I will be working with.  He ordered champagne before I got there.  We’ve worked together before and I know that he is top notch.  In fact we ran the Philadelphia half marathon together in September.  His enthusiasm about the job is infectious. 

10) Went to an industry party and had many glasses of wine.  Needed it!!  Saw so many old friends and people that worked for me and that I worked for .  It was a well needed release.  By the way, I slept like a baby.

9) Waited for the dreaded call from my EVP.  It went better than expected, but he still tried to convince me to stay.  He said he believes that I would be 99% safe once the company was merged with the new owners…..what can he do to entice me to stay…. “nothing” I said “its not about money”

8)Told my direct manager that I was resigning.   Explained some personal information that I didn’t mind sharing since she is a woman and would understand.  “I’m the breadwinner” ; “I don’t want to wait to get pregnant, and BTW I have been having trouble in that area”; “need security” etc….

7) Kyle and I share a bottle of wine to celebrate.  I will resign in the morning.

6) My phone rings an hour later.  the conversation went something like this…. “I hung up the phone before and realized that that was a terribly personal decision that I forced you to make and I’ve reconsidered”; “you’ve been honest with me about your plans and I am OK with that….. if you get pregnant, I’ll still have you for 9 months right, well that’s better than not having you…. so I hope you will re-consider.” 

I spoke with Kyle and we decided that it is the best decision to have job security and take it…. oh yeah and I get a step up in title too…

5)  I feel like I just lost my best friend.  Although somewhat relieved that the decision is over….. well I just don’t feel right. 

4) I passed on the job.  Just couldn’t put my life on hold for another year.  Couldnt live with myself if I couldn’t get pregnant next year.  And well even if I don’t get pregnant in a year here, at least I know I tried.

3) Kyle and I decided that it is best not to wait to try to get pregnant.  We can live with me out of work for at least a year……Gosh, but I have no idea what being out of the industry will do for me, like probably not going to get a great $$ offer such as this, but I am willing to put that aside for my personal life.  I’m not crazy about not working though…..I love to work (is that sick?).

2) I have a constant state of anxiety in my belly.  Its not normal and I’m eating like crap and not exercising.  I just can’t seem to focus.  I can’t sleep good either…

1) Everyone at work is like in a state of “what the f**k”.  They offered us a “golden parachute”  meaning a HUGE severance package if we get laid off.  We have to sign on to stay through the merge…..its enticing, but I do have another offer in front of me that has job security….  but the catch there is she would like me to wait to get pregnant, a year.  Now, don’t everyone get all legal on me, I’m very close with the lady who’s making me the offer… and its an emerging network…meaning start up, lots of work and pounding the pavement, travel etc….  plus, she has no kids so I think she already has me pregnant in her mind and going on maternity leave right away…..a year is not that far away …is it?

 14 steps was all it took??  I really thought it was going to be longer, but that about sums it up.

OK, now I am headed off to a pilates class. 

Whew!

Got my period this morning. this was a 23 day cycle.  Last month was a 24 day cycle.  I would say about 99% of the time I am 26 days on the dot.

But this is weird.

and I’m sad.

Even though I tested a few days ago, I was feeling weird this month.  Symptoms weird.  Sore boobs- but in weird spots…. indigestion… twingy kind of cramping.  I was sure that GOD was going to make sure that my egg was fertilized and implanted…….this way there would be no decisions to make about the job and I could just feel happy cause it was meant to be…..

crap.

So, I spent the the last couple of nights tossing and turning about my job situation (s) and how it may have screwed up our perfect plans….(Ha!)  But that’s what happens in real life right??

‘BUT, I had a great insightful conversation with my Dad this AM about it.  He is retired and lives in Florida.  We talked all of my pros and cons of all the possible outcomes and well, its so funny when someone is so non biased about the situation.  I basically found my answer, and although it was tough it was kind of obvious. 

Thank you all so much for your comments and thank you for being so honest about your opinions…. but please please dont judge me on my decisions and hesitation on certain situations.  I really need this blog to be a place for me to be honest about my feelings, even if you don’t agree with them.  What’s right for you may not be right for me.

I’ll post next week on the job thingy…….still some things to sort out before any final decisions are made.

So, does anyone disagree with me but does taking down your Christmas decorations depress you?  holy cow, It was like I lost my best friend today with the way I was sulking as I was boxing up the ornaments and taking down the lights.  TKS was out all morning.  He is training for a marathon in March and today he had to run 13 miles.  I’m a little jealous cause I planned to run this marathon with him.  I ran my first marathon in April of 2007,  I started training around this time last year (mostly alone and then later on with a running group).  The training just takes up so much time!  I commute 1.5 hours each way to work, so, running 3 days during the week and a long run on the weekend definatley took a toll on me.  I started training with TKS for this one, got through about 6 weeks when I realized that I was beginning to dread and struggle through every run.  I love running and I was beginning to hate it, so I dropped out.  One thing you will learn about me is that I am extremely competitive, so not doing this is killing me in some ways…..but on the other had kind of liberating that I am allowing myself NOT to do it….

am i rambling on like a blubbering idiot?? 

Another resolution I have (along with starting this blog) was to start pilates.  I’ve heard that a couple of times a week can really make a fantastic difference in your body.  I belong to a gym in NYC where I work, for you New Yorkers its NY sports club.  I plan on checking out their pilates classes, note to self…. do this next week.

Speaking of NY sports club…… has anyone ever used a towel there that they have for you in the showers…??  they are like loin cloths!  I mean I seriously need 3-4 of these to cover my body on the way to the shower.   And drying your body with them?? they are like sandpaper.  With the money I pay I should get the nicest towels on the planet….

On that note… I think its time to get my ass in the shower… I’m still in my pjs and its 2:30 on sat.

have a great weekend

Sandy