Stop The World I want to get off

Quality December 6, 2011

Spoke with the doctor. 

The time I got pregnant with IVF we had 2 blastocysts to transfer.  One was textbook perfect.  He believes that is the one that implanted.

Last IVF I only had mourlas to transfer…. not so good.

This time I did have 2 blastocysts, but apparently they were not the best looking…. whatever that means….  So we may be looking a quality issue.

He said we should try once more.  He wants to do microdose lupron this time. 

I feel a little sick.

Hanging in December 4, 2011

So the reality is setting in. I’m actually doing ok… Better than last time. It helps that we are occupied with this trip and I’m spending a great amount of quality time with my baby girl… She has been the most well behaved little nugget on this trip and well it was kind of a good message to me that I can be a tiny bit upset about the failure of this cycle BUT I cannot let it hinder the joy I have for my miracle that I have in my life. I’ve decided to spend the next few months getting healthy and in shape (a part of my life I’ve been really neglecting) and maybe try again in Feb. My husband said, “in the meantime let’s try on our own”…. I guess miracles do happen right?

Outlook not so good December 2, 2011

I use to hate getting that message on the magic 8 ball when I was a kid. It’s my reality now though. Here in florida I tested this am. negative. I am really surprised and frankly I feel pretty beaten up. I can’t take the beta till Monday and I really wanna stop the progesterone but my husband won’t let me as he wants to wait till it’s confirmed by blood.
Sad. Starting to feel helpless.

compulsive behavior December 1, 2011

I needed to pee on a stick tonight.  OCD and compulsive behavior are the culprits.   It was negative.  Is it too soon?  Am I holding out hope for no reason? It is 6 days post transfer…….. feeling bewildered.

5 days November 29, 2011

5 days ago we transfered 2 blastocysts.  We had the best cycle with this protocol.  11 eggs retrieved, 8 fertilized…. we only had 2 that made it to blastocysts….but we had zero last round so this is good news.

Last time it worked I had crazy cramps right about now and could have sworn I was getting my period……. this time it has been kinda quiet in symptom land….I’m feeling really tired but that could just be me being tired….. other than that I’m just trying to remain positive…

We are traveling to Florida for a long weekend and will miss beta day….. which is Saturday.  We wont be back till Sunday night …. so beta has been pushed to Monday.

I cannot imagine being strong enough to not test before….. thoughts?

 I would appreciate any good vibes you all can send me – thank you

I can’ t believe it’s been a whole year November 14, 2011

My baby girl turned a year old last week.  How did that happen? She is such a joy.  We have so much fun with her.  Sometimes I just sit and watch her in amazement . Yesterday I saw her trying to put her socks on.  A little person, with thoughts and feelings.  It’s crazy to me, that she exists.

 I want her to have a sibling….. Is it selfish?  I don’t know…..If you asked me this before I ever was pregnant with her I would have said yes….

We are in the middle of our 2nd try at baby #2.  Dr. L tried a different protocol this time…  I started estrogen patches on day 21 and antigon for days 21,22, 23…..

I’m currently on day 10 of my cycle.  10 follicles, which is a huge, huge improvement. They are growing slow though so still going to stim for a few more days.

Feels surreal.

sigh October 12, 2011

officially negative.

Starting over October 12, 2011

So I just got back from my beta blood draw.  I wont hear back until after lunch sometime, but I know the result is negative. I took a test monday night and again this morning and the FRER could not have been more white.  It will be ok.  I will survive. The thing is , I’ve always had a problem with failure, hits deep on my self esteem or something.  Ultimatley I’m glad I tested early since beta fell on a weekday….

I hope we can do it again, muster up the courage and get ready for another rollercoaster ride.   Just kinda want this day to be over.

a little more background October 10, 2011

I’m a week out from my 5 day transfer.  We got 7 eggs this time, same as last.  6 Fertilized, only 4 did last time.  However, this time they were all very slow growing and by the time of transfer, the 2 embryos that were left were not even blastocysts yet, they were still mourlas.  Not so good.

Dr. L said I can still get pregnant with these embryos, but the truth is, the chances are less.  I don’t know how much less, but much less I’m sure.  He seemed dissapointed.

I really really really thought that I would be different this time around, I already have a wonderful healthy 11 month old and the pressure should be off right?  not so much.

I feel like my body just doesnt do things right….. I am so so so lucky I got pregnant last time.  I think there was a higher power looking out for me as I was honestly teetering off the edge of insanity.

I do not feel like it worked.  Not just saying that either.

Can I go through this again?  Well, yeah I can and I will.  I guess no one ever said it would be easy. I just wish for once something could be easy.  I dont have the time for things to be hard anymore. 

questions October 6, 2011

Is it ok that I havent felt like updating this blog in so long because it reminded me of the pain of infertility and how I would read others “infertility blogs” turned “baby blogs” and feel sad?

Is it right that when we decided to go through IVF again so soon that I thought it would be easier since I had been through it before?  Less stressful?  I mean we have a perfect 11 month old so there should be no pressure right?

Is it strange that I’m reading my very own posts for support?

I just did not think I would feel this way again, ever.