Stop The World I want to get off

sigh October 12, 2011

officially negative.

Starting over October 12, 2011

So I just got back from my beta blood draw.  I wont hear back until after lunch sometime, but I know the result is negative. I took a test monday night and again this morning and the FRER could not have been more white.  It will be ok.  I will survive. The thing is , I’ve always had a problem with failure, hits deep on my self esteem or something.  Ultimatley I’m glad I tested early since beta fell on a weekday….

I hope we can do it again, muster up the courage and get ready for another rollercoaster ride.   Just kinda want this day to be over.

a little more background October 10, 2011

I’m a week out from my 5 day transfer.  We got 7 eggs this time, same as last.  6 Fertilized, only 4 did last time.  However, this time they were all very slow growing and by the time of transfer, the 2 embryos that were left were not even blastocysts yet, they were still mourlas.  Not so good.

Dr. L said I can still get pregnant with these embryos, but the truth is, the chances are less.  I don’t know how much less, but much less I’m sure.  He seemed dissapointed.

I really really really thought that I would be different this time around, I already have a wonderful healthy 11 month old and the pressure should be off right?  not so much.

I feel like my body just doesnt do things right….. I am so so so lucky I got pregnant last time.  I think there was a higher power looking out for me as I was honestly teetering off the edge of insanity.

I do not feel like it worked.  Not just saying that either.

Can I go through this again?  Well, yeah I can and I will.  I guess no one ever said it would be easy. I just wish for once something could be easy.  I dont have the time for things to be hard anymore. 

questions October 6, 2011

Is it ok that I havent felt like updating this blog in so long because it reminded me of the pain of infertility and how I would read others “infertility blogs” turned “baby blogs” and feel sad?

Is it right that when we decided to go through IVF again so soon that I thought it would be easier since I had been through it before?  Less stressful?  I mean we have a perfect 11 month old so there should be no pressure right?

Is it strange that I’m reading my very own posts for support?

I just did not think I would feel this way again, ever.