When donor eggs fail September 30, 2014Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in Uncategorized.
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Blogosphere….. It has been a long while. I now have an almost 4 year old from our very first IVF back in 2010.
I have been on a painful 3 year journey of trying to give my daughter a sibling. Please dont judge me… I’ve had many people say how lucky we are to have one. I know this . I know she is our miracle. But everything deep down in my inner soul tells me that we need to add to our family.
We started IVF again when our baby was only 9 months old. 3 failed IVFs at NYU with very poor egg quality and one positive IVF in the fall of 2012 that resulted in a miscarriage. DNC results showed chromosome abnormality. I wasnt thrilled with how NYU handled the emotional part of the attemped failures and my miscarriage. I realize it’s not part of their job but I switched doctors.
Fast forward to 2013-14 at RMA of NJ. Decided to try IVF again, plan on 2 retrievals and banking embryos and doing pgd prior to transfer. 2 cancelled IVFs due to poor response. 3 rd IVF made 7 embryos but none made it to day 5.
Moving on to donor egg. 6 eggs/ 3 nearly perfect blasts.
1st attempt failed in fresh transfer. FET failed . 1 embryo left and feeling so defeated.
is it not enough I have to mourn the loss of my own eggs but not after spending basically every penny we have on donor eggs I have to mourn the loss again.
My doctor is wonderful. He seems as upset as we are. And completley baffled. He is presenting my case to the practice to see if anyone has any thoughts on next steps. Night and day from my experience at NYU.
I know I havent blogged in some time, but I need support from the very people who understand.
One more day February 29, 2012Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in Uncategorized.
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I honestly can’t even believe I have not tested yet. I guess I just did not want to be depressed sooner than I had to. I mean, I can’t imagine that it worked with embryos that were so fragmented and such poor quality. I wondered why they even bothered to transfer them. As each day went on, google search after google search on “poor quality embryo success” I started getting a little hope. I dont want the hope, I want it to go away, it will make the news worse, it will sting more, it will hurt.
I’ve been cramping- just like when I was pregnant 2 years ago. I mean it’s period cramps. My body is like ok I’m ready to give you the biggest period of your life- thats what it feels like. I dont think I had cramping up until the day before beta though…. it subsided by now. But how unfair is that- to have the same feeling, the cramping, ( I didnt have any with the last 2 negative cycles).
Hope creeps in to shatter me.
I want to test, I dont want to test. Whats going to be easier? I really dont know.
I’ll be at work tomorrow when I get the call so leaning towards testing tomorrow AM BUT I’m still not sure. SIGH.
3 February 19, 2012Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in Uncategorized.
We transferred 3 “not so great quality” embryos today. I’ve been crying since I left the office.
And then there were 4 February 17, 2012Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in Uncategorized.
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They called so late in the day, I found myself checking my phone trying to remember what time they called the last few times…. creating these crazy scenarios in my mind that none of my eggs fertilized. Anyway, we are scheduled for a 3 day transfter, I’m assuming because there are only 4. I’m ok —- we only had 4 when I got pregnant with Addy.
Can I ask you all for a little prayer of good luck to us….
9 February 17, 2012Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in IVF, poor responder.
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We got 9 eggs at retrieval today… I honestly was expecting 5 so I’m really happy. Very sore but otherwise ok. All the nurses know me, hugged me, wished me luck etc… I told them no offense I just really hope not to see u guys again… Everyone had a good chuckle over that.
While I was waiting to go in, there were 2 women who were waiting to be discharged… I overheard them talking and one said that she was 37 and not married or even close to being married so she was here for egg freezing. I thought that was so incredibly responsible of her. I just never thought of that situation but I just felt, I don’t know happy for her that she wouldn’t have to feel pressure of marrying quickly and just all the crap that goes with getting older, maybe I felt proud of a generation of smart women who take charge of their future.
So, most of the times I have been there, the many many times… Everyone pretty much keeps to themselves… Private. Quiet. Today was different. Quiet smiles, whispers of good luck, a kind looks that said “I get it sister, I’ve been here before too, and I’m praying for you”.
It was different today.
Keep u posted
ER tomorrow February 15, 2012Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in Uncategorized.
Update: We have 5 very good sized follicles….and one more that is on the smaller side, but will prob be at a good size by tomorrow. Retrieval is scheduled for noon tomorrow. My estrogen was 1100 yesterday. Overall, I’m obviously upset that we don’t have more follicles, but I know there are some women out there that would die for 5 follicles so I’m not complaining….really. Not sure if this will be or last try or not, honestly not sure I can mentally manage this process again…. so I just was hoping to have the best cycle ever…. and it does only take 1 good one, so please pray for me.
On the work front, I’m in sales and we as a company are going to miss 1Q goals so things are more than stressful everyday. I decided to work from home on Friday the day after retrieval ( I told boss that I could not come in… he has no idea what “medical procedure” I’m having… I told him it was personal)… and in the past I came in the day after transfer, but this time I’m taking off. Not worth it to come in and have my body feel more stressed than I should. I feel kinda guilty about this but I’m not saving lives people.
Wishing luck to all my cyclesistas! Talk soon.
Well here we are again my friends February 7, 2012Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in Uncategorized.
I’m sorry I have not been blogging. I was really enjoying a few months with little thoughts of TTC. The rest of December was focused on Christmas, spending time with family and enjoying my little girl.
I started Birth Control end of December and it made me terribly sick….. felt like morning sickness…. but with no pregnancy so totally not worth it. I made them call in in a different perscription – which worked much better (as far as the nausea went). We are doing a micro dose lupron protocol this cycle. I’m taking alot of injections this time around….. MDL 2X a day, Follistim 450 1X a day and Menapur 150 1X a day. Day 1 was Wed Feb 1st, where we started MDL. Friday we started stimming. Today I went in for a blood check. It’s all happening so fast.
No real terrible side effects besides night sweats…. which I had pretty much every time I stimmed so I’ve expected that.
I’m strangely calm this cycle, I’m not sure why, I am really focused on trying to just stay positive and take one day at a time.
I’d be curious to hear from anyone who has done MDL protocol before and their thoughts…… I don’t think Dr. L uses this protocol alot….. which has me wondering… is this his last ditch effort? Am I getting too old? I will be 39 in March… I cannot believe it myself. I’m gonna get pregnant this cycle, I just know it. I just do.
there. Thats my statement. I said it. I will be.
Will update soon.
Quality December 6, 2011Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in Uncategorized.
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Spoke with the doctor.
The time I got pregnant with IVF we had 2 blastocysts to transfer. One was textbook perfect. He believes that is the one that implanted.
Last IVF I only had mourlas to transfer…. not so good.
This time I did have 2 blastocysts, but apparently they were not the best looking…. whatever that means…. So we may be looking a quality issue.
He said we should try once more. He wants to do microdose lupron this time.
I feel a little sick.
Hanging in December 4, 2011Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in Uncategorized.
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So the reality is setting in. I’m actually doing ok… Better than last time. It helps that we are occupied with this trip and I’m spending a great amount of quality time with my baby girl… She has been the most well behaved little nugget on this trip and well it was kind of a good message to me that I can be a tiny bit upset about the failure of this cycle BUT I cannot let it hinder the joy I have for my miracle that I have in my life. I’ve decided to spend the next few months getting healthy and in shape (a part of my life I’ve been really neglecting) and maybe try again in Feb. My husband said, “in the meantime let’s try on our own”…. I guess miracles do happen right?