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holy ovulation January 21, 2008

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I can not even begin to explain the pain I felt last night on my left side.  I’m ovulating according the over the counter predictor kits.  I usually feel something when I’m ovulating….crampy kind of feelings, but holy cow, this time I even felt pain down the front of my leg,…..

 And just like that, this morning it was gone.  totally gone. 

Does anyone else feel pain when they ovulate? Should I be concerned?

I know everyone says make baby sex fun and don’t stress about it etc… but the truth of the matter is, we both stress about it and well, sometimes its just not that fun.

that being said, I’ll spare you the gory details, but we may have missed the boat this month, or the boat sailed but sank, if you catch my drift.

I’m still crossing my fingers, but we may have missed THE important day(s).  I guess only 2 weeks will tell.

On another note, finally got to see Juno.  OMG, I absolutely loved it and cried in so many parts.  I really don’t know how I convinced TKS to see it too, maybe it was the promise to get beers and bar food after and watch football?  I’m learning the art of compromise, which is not easy for a type A.

Anyway, I’m off today and am doing all I can to get motivated to do something but finding it hard to get it together.  Was obsessed with A Baby Story marathon this AM on Discovery Health Channel.  All the hospitals featured were in central NJ where I live, so it was even more interesting to me somehow.  GOSH, I want to be those to be parents getting ready for the day, then waiting in the hospital for the contractions.  I want my parents and TKS’s parents to be in the waiting room and I spent a great part of the morning fantasizing about all the scenarios that could take place.  Will it ever be us?  will I ever get there?  I’m scared and God so fearful that it wont be.

Want to finally just schedule the IUI.  Start my new gig next Monday, so I’d like to examine my new health insurance first.  My old one did not cover even an office visit for infertility.  We shall see.  My headquarters is in San Francisco, not sure of the states requirements for infertility coverage.  It doesn’t matter anyway, we decided we would spend what we have to anyway.  New health coverage is blue cross blue shield.

Anyway, I’ve made the beds, put away the dishes, wrote this blog, and well I just don’t have any excuses anymore to veg out.  I am going to shower, go to Costco to return the slow cooker I bought (cracked) and then go to the gym.  Then I will cook some healthy food to keep in the fridge this week so I don’t come home every night starving and eat crap.  I want to start using the slow cooker so I have a good meal when I get home at night… anyone have any good recipes ??

OK signing out….see u later.

what a long strange trip it’s been…. January 12, 2008

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holy cow.

I don’t know even where to begin since my last blog.

This past week + has been emotionally more like a year (OK well I may be exaggerating a bit there)….. the problem with waiting so long to blog is I want to get to the end result that I tend to rush through the whole stinkin saga……therefore I shall start with the ending first.

14) I have a new Job!!  I’ve accepted an offer to work at an emerging cable network that has some really interesting concepts…..like how to democratize tv.  I know almost everyone that works there and the president is a really smart lady that I will learn so so much from.

13) My resignation email went out at 3:30 on Friday.  I tried to get to everyone individually but it’s almost impossible when I work with so many offices all around the country….what I did find out through this is that my colleagues have a lot of respect for me and were truly sad that I was leaving.  My departure is bittersweet.

12) Feel an unbelievable amount of relief.  I’ve been actually smiling all day.

11) Had lunch with one of the guys I will be working with.  He ordered champagne before I got there.  We’ve worked together before and I know that he is top notch.  In fact we ran the Philadelphia half marathon together in September.  His enthusiasm about the job is infectious. 

10) Went to an industry party and had many glasses of wine.  Needed it!!  Saw so many old friends and people that worked for me and that I worked for .  It was a well needed release.  By the way, I slept like a baby.

9) Waited for the dreaded call from my EVP.  It went better than expected, but he still tried to convince me to stay.  He said he believes that I would be 99% safe once the company was merged with the new owners…..what can he do to entice me to stay…. “nothing” I said “its not about money”

8)Told my direct manager that I was resigning.   Explained some personal information that I didn’t mind sharing since she is a woman and would understand.  “I’m the breadwinner” ; “I don’t want to wait to get pregnant, and BTW I have been having trouble in that area”; “need security” etc….

7) Kyle and I share a bottle of wine to celebrate.  I will resign in the morning.

6) My phone rings an hour later.  the conversation went something like this…. “I hung up the phone before and realized that that was a terribly personal decision that I forced you to make and I’ve reconsidered”; “you’ve been honest with me about your plans and I am OK with that….. if you get pregnant, I’ll still have you for 9 months right, well that’s better than not having you…. so I hope you will re-consider.” 

I spoke with Kyle and we decided that it is the best decision to have job security and take it…. oh yeah and I get a step up in title too…

5)  I feel like I just lost my best friend.  Although somewhat relieved that the decision is over….. well I just don’t feel right. 

4) I passed on the job.  Just couldn’t put my life on hold for another year.  Couldnt live with myself if I couldn’t get pregnant next year.  And well even if I don’t get pregnant in a year here, at least I know I tried.

3) Kyle and I decided that it is best not to wait to try to get pregnant.  We can live with me out of work for at least a year……Gosh, but I have no idea what being out of the industry will do for me, like probably not going to get a great $$ offer such as this, but I am willing to put that aside for my personal life.  I’m not crazy about not working though…..I love to work (is that sick?).

2) I have a constant state of anxiety in my belly.  Its not normal and I’m eating like crap and not exercising.  I just can’t seem to focus.  I can’t sleep good either…

1) Everyone at work is like in a state of “what the f**k”.  They offered us a “golden parachute”  meaning a HUGE severance package if we get laid off.  We have to sign on to stay through the merge…..its enticing, but I do have another offer in front of me that has job security….  but the catch there is she would like me to wait to get pregnant, a year.  Now, don’t everyone get all legal on me, I’m very close with the lady who’s making me the offer… and its an emerging network…meaning start up, lots of work and pounding the pavement, travel etc….  plus, she has no kids so I think she already has me pregnant in her mind and going on maternity leave right away…..a year is not that far away …is it?

 14 steps was all it took??  I really thought it was going to be longer, but that about sums it up.

OK, now I am headed off to a pilates class. 

Whew!

weird January 6, 2008

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Got my period this morning. this was a 23 day cycle.  Last month was a 24 day cycle.  I would say about 99% of the time I am 26 days on the dot.

But this is weird.

and I’m sad.

Even though I tested a few days ago, I was feeling weird this month.  Symptoms weird.  Sore boobs- but in weird spots…. indigestion… twingy kind of cramping.  I was sure that GOD was going to make sure that my egg was fertilized and implanted…….this way there would be no decisions to make about the job and I could just feel happy cause it was meant to be…..

crap.

When life hands you lemons…. January 5, 2008

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So, I spent the the last couple of nights tossing and turning about my job situation (s) and how it may have screwed up our perfect plans….(Ha!)  But that’s what happens in real life right??

‘BUT, I had a great insightful conversation with my Dad this AM about it.  He is retired and lives in Florida.  We talked all of my pros and cons of all the possible outcomes and well, its so funny when someone is so non biased about the situation.  I basically found my answer, and although it was tough it was kind of obvious. 

Thank you all so much for your comments and thank you for being so honest about your opinions…. but please please dont judge me on my decisions and hesitation on certain situations.  I really need this blog to be a place for me to be honest about my feelings, even if you don’t agree with them.  What’s right for you may not be right for me.

I’ll post next week on the job thingy…….still some things to sort out before any final decisions are made.

So, does anyone disagree with me but does taking down your Christmas decorations depress you?  holy cow, It was like I lost my best friend today with the way I was sulking as I was boxing up the ornaments and taking down the lights.  TKS was out all morning.  He is training for a marathon in March and today he had to run 13 miles.  I’m a little jealous cause I planned to run this marathon with him.  I ran my first marathon in April of 2007,  I started training around this time last year (mostly alone and then later on with a running group).  The training just takes up so much time!  I commute 1.5 hours each way to work, so, running 3 days during the week and a long run on the weekend definatley took a toll on me.  I started training with TKS for this one, got through about 6 weeks when I realized that I was beginning to dread and struggle through every run.  I love running and I was beginning to hate it, so I dropped out.  One thing you will learn about me is that I am extremely competitive, so not doing this is killing me in some ways…..but on the other had kind of liberating that I am allowing myself NOT to do it….

am i rambling on like a blubbering idiot?? 

Another resolution I have (along with starting this blog) was to start pilates.  I’ve heard that a couple of times a week can really make a fantastic difference in your body.  I belong to a gym in NYC where I work, for you New Yorkers its NY sports club.  I plan on checking out their pilates classes, note to self…. do this next week.

Speaking of NY sports club…… has anyone ever used a towel there that they have for you in the showers…??  they are like loin cloths!  I mean I seriously need 3-4 of these to cover my body on the way to the shower.   And drying your body with them?? they are like sandpaper.  With the money I pay I should get the nicest towels on the planet….

On that note… I think its time to get my ass in the shower… I’m still in my pjs and its 2:30 on sat.

have a great weekend

Sandy

Happy Friggin New Year January 4, 2008

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So today on my commute to work, I hear on the news that my company is being sold.  I’d rather not get into who I work for right now, but you may have read about it in the NY times today.  

Ok so the first thing thats wrong with this situation is I HEARD IT ON THE NEWS.  Secondly, about a month ago, I had another company that was interested in me.  I spoke to my boss and he convinced me to stay and gave me a SIGNIFICANT salary increase.  Why did they convince me to stay!!!??

so truth be told is that i never really wanted to leave, but 3 people had just quit and I had some leverage……

 Anyway. This is big BIG BIG news.  This throws a BIG and I mean BIG monkey wrench into my babymaking plans. 

I am the breadwinner.  I consider myself very lucky….I make alot of money.  We just bought a new BIG house.  I am most likley expected to be laid off in 6-8 months (its possible I could be hired by the new takeover, but it is doubtful). I MUST get a new job before that time.

My old boss called me today and basically offered me a job.  I’d have to wait though to have a baby……the business is being built from the bottom up and I’d have to give a year….I couldnt honestly live with myself and give any less..

I took a pregnancy test today hoping in some way that God would intervene.  Negative.  Its 10 days post ovulation according to my calculations. So I guess technically it could be wrong.

My hubby is so good.  We talked honestly about it and he will not make the decision for me but believes taking the job and waiting is probably the best choice. 

I will take time to seriously ponder, but I don’t know how else we can afford a baby without my salary.  My industry is competitive and not that easy to find a spot where you will flourish.  My old boss…. she is a true mentor and would always look out for me in my career.

gosh.  who knew I would have such seriousness to blog about on my 2nd day.

This is one of my resolutions….. January 2, 2008

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Hey there fellow bloggers in blog land.

I’m new. 

One of my resolutions was to start up a blog about my journey to have a baby and to hopefully share some of my journey with some of you that may be experiencing some of the same things.

 I’m a 34 (be 35 in March) year old female, married for 2 + years to TKS.  We’ve been trying to have a baby for about a year and a half….  Well, actually TKS would argue that.  We threw away the BC in Septemeber of 2006 and said, ok lets see what happens.  What he may not realize is that his extremely “perfectionist” wife was already counting days……  Oh I was pretty sure we would get pregnant on the first try. I knew EXACTLY when I was ovulating and made sure we had all of our days covered….month after month….AF showed up.  Every 26 days.  You can set a clock to my cycle.  Went for my annual at the GYN….. she was not worried, she said try for another 6 months and then come back.  We then tried 3 months of clomid.  nada. nothing. zilch. zero.   

I couldnt believe how obsessive I was becomming. 

 Went back to the DR.  I begged her to find out what was wrong…. she still didnt believe there was anything to worry about but sent me for an HSG anyway. 

 We are now fast forwarding to June of 2007.  Dr. did not prepare me for the pain during the HSG.  I almost fainted.  The nurse had to put on cold cloths on me.  The Dr. who gave me the test showed me the films, here is how the dialogue went

DOC: “you have a bicornuate uterus”……

ME: “WHAT?  I have a what uterus?” (still shaking from the pain)  

DOC: “a bicornuate uterus”,   “basicallly when you were in the womb the uterus didnt develop properly”

ME:  “ok, so what do I do”

DOC:  “you have to talk to your regular doctor, but most women can still have a baby, just high risk”

ME:  “ok”  (in my head- get me the f**k out of here)

I then run out into the waiting room, tks has no idea whats going on, I get in the passenger seat and I start hysterical crying and saying”just go, drive”  while tks is begging me to tell him whats wrong.

I finally get it all out and start searching on the internet.  You can only imagine what kind of crap I read.  I didnt stop crying for days.

Now I am really going to fast forward….. saw an RE.  Did an ultrasound and then MRI.  Found out I did NOT have a bicornuate uterus but a SEPTUM in my uterus, which means basically tissue that was dividing my uterus in half.  Had surgery in October 2007  (lap/hyst) to remove septum.  Prognosis was good.  Doc said he got it all and everything else looked great, no endo, clear tubes, ovaries look perfect.  Told us to TTC in 2 months.   

I am now in the 2ww.

I don’t think it will be this month.  I mean, we tried with an ovulation kit, but honestly we only maybe got it once at the right time.  I know it only takes one time, so of course I’m hoping….. but not holding my breath.

 Anyway, many of your blogs got me through some tough times…. I love love love reading about all of you and your journeys…. I hope you invite me in to join the fun.

thank you thank you

you can call me Sandy