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Sometimes I wonder January 26, 2009

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Sometimes I wonder if I will ever experience having a baby inside of me.

I can’t even imagine seeing a positive pregnancy test, I mean it just seems so unrealistic to me.

I think these thoughts and I truly get so so scared. 

I’ve always been they type of person who if I wanted something, I just worked at it to get it.  I really hardly ever fail.  I know that sounds so self absorbed but I don’t mean to be, I’ve always just been very goal oriented.

but this is not like quitting smoking cold turkey, getting a promotion or running a marathon.

I’m having a hard time making peace with this struggle. 

I yearn to make peace with it, welcome the challenge of our future.  

I don’t know if I can, and this scares me.

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The Fat Lady Sang January 23, 2009

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I feel so helpless.  I told my husband this morning and hes so friggin clueless I want to punch him.  He’s like “Why do you think this is happening?”  to which I replied “you are an asshole”

good news January 20, 2009

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So, I have some good news.  Not I’m pregnant good news, as that would be FANTASTIC news…. but you know, some light at the end of the tunnel news.

On Friday, I got the packet I’ve been waiting for from my new employer – benefits.  Guess what ?? they pay for infertility coverage up to $50K as a lifetime maximum.  WHOOO HOOO!!! I could have shouted it from the rooftops.

Hubby took me to my favorite restaurant for some delicious food and I had one celebratory beer.

Honestly this is such a relief for us as we have been paying out of pocket for everything.

Not much else to report on the 2ww.  Well I tested on Sun and again on Monday but negative, which I expected.  This morning I felt the slightest wave of a menstrual cramp.  Technically I’m not supposed to test until Saturday so I guess it’s really not over until the fat lady sings…. which in my case would be me since I’ve somehow given myself the license to eat everything in sight since Thanksgiving.  Had a bit of a reality check when I went to buy a few suits this weekend and couldnt fit into a 10.  I am usually an 8 so I knew I gained a couple of pounds so took size 10 into the dressing room…. OMG what a shock.  I’m dieting now.  I need to be serious about it too cause this is crazy.  I work out so much (4-5 times a week) but my eating is not good which is why the weight gain…… its all about the food I tell ya.   

Anyway, I’m at work so I gotta get back to working on how to transition my accounts to others…..

 whoa – there is another menstrual cramp.  UGHHH

New Job January 15, 2009

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SOOOO I got the job! Yeah me.!!

I start in 2 weeks from this past Monday.  I actually got the offer on Friday and it was not even close to what i wanted t he salary t o be but there is big big bonus potential.  I’m in sales so I actually LIKE incentive based packages…. anyway I accepted and I’m pretty excited.

So – that being said- it is a very corporate environment and I really am worried about doctors appointments.  You see I commute 1.5 hours to work and I have to rely on mass transit.  My doctor (RE) is 45 mins SOUTH of me where work is NORTH.  I currently work at a job that could care less what time I came in – so on cycling days I would get in around 10AM…… 

SO absolute best case scenario is that I am pregnant right now and will test on Friday the 23rd and go in for a blood test that day if the pee test is positive and then again on Sat.   BUT if it is not positive and I have to cycle…… well Im worried about doing this another round when I dont have “freedom” at work.

Gosh this sucks.  I mean I really really needed this job as I there are more layoffs to hit the current place I am now… so not like I had much of a choice. 

Pray I am pregnant, pray I am pregnant – Oh GOD if you have a plan please make me pregnant!!!!

I have not forgotten that today is only 6 days post IUI and I am not even half way through my 2WW.  no symptoms people.  Honestly, I felt some stuff around my left ovary since ovulation.  I really hope I didnt ovulate late….. not with a trigger shot right????

God’s Plan January 14, 2009

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So I have this friend, who I sincerely love dearly.  I don’t see her often and we talk maybe once every 3 months or so.  So when we do talk there is always a ton of catching up to do.  Our lives are polar opposite.  She has been seeing a “married”man for like 10 years and has basically revolved her life around him for so long its hard to remember that she was once married before too. We are not social friends,like we don’t double date or anything…. we met because I use to be a customer of hers (she owned a nail salon/hair salon/boutique)  She has known me since I was around 16.

ANYWAY, she is probably one of a very few friends that I share my IF problems with.  The last time we spoke I told her that our first IUI didn’t work but we were going to try again and are being very positive.  She paused for a very long time- to the point where I had to say “hello?”……..so here is how the rest of the conversation went  :

her:  “Have you thought of God’s plan for you”

me: “Um, I’m not sure what you mean by that”

her: “well, have you thought of that perhaps God is not allowing you to get pregnant because he has another plan for you?”

me: “no I am not thinking that way I guess”

her: “ok, so maybe you are not supposed to biologically have children, maybe you are meant to adopt a child and give a child a good home that perhaps they wouldnt have had”

me: “I’m not there yet”

her: “well, I just want you to think about that, God’s plan”

me: “Well, I’m not ready to give up on my body yet”

her: “you body is telling you something”

me: “Ok, look, I understand where you are going with this, and adoption is not out of the question- we are just not there yet”

her: “just think about it”

me: “ok, can you just think positive for me, I’m not there yet”

her:  “just think of all the love you give to your adopted dogs??” “I cant even imagine the love you would give to an adopted baby”

me: “I will keep you updated, I promise”.

I hung up pretty much right after that.  

Is it terrible that I am not ready to give up on my body ?  Is it a bad thing that I am yearning to have a child grow inside of me?  That I really cannot wait to see a baby with my husbands beautiful blue eyes and my curly hair?  I am open to adopt, really I am. I’m just not there yet.  I don’t think of God as having a plan like that.  He would not deliberately prevent me from having a child.  Maybe through our struggle there are other life lessons we will learn on the way.  I ‘m having a really hard time with this. Our conversation has haunted me.

IUI #2 and some drama… January 10, 2009

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So this morning was IUI #2.  But let me start with last night.

So I’m driving home and I get like a block close to home and I realize that I never got the cup that his “sample” is supposed to go in.  I panic a little but then decide to be pro-active and just go to rite-aid and see if I can buy one …..well turns out they don’t sell them, so I go to another local pharmacy.  When I don’t find one I ask the pharmacist, and she kind of laughed…I mean I didnt ask for a “semen sample cup” I asked for a sterile cup that you would use for a sample….. I wasnt specific about what kind of sample….for all she knew it was for urine!

Anyway, at this point its like 7:20pm so I am freaking out a little and then I realize there is a store that has all these medical supplies in it close by.  I’ve been in there a couple of times, they have like a whole hallmark section and its right next to my gym so I’ve bought some cards in there a few times, and I think even a pregnancy test once, but I remembered seeing all these medical supplies.  I get there and I’m pretty much praying “please be open please be open please be open” and they are yippee!

I walk around for like 10min and cant find them.  They had everything in this store, I mean they even had the socks that you get at the hospital, along with bed pans, and basically any other medical devise you can think of.  So I finally go to the pharmacy counter and there is this young cute teenage kid manning the counter.  EMBARRASSING!  So I at this point cannot have any shame so I just ask “hey would you carry those sterile cups, for like when you need to bring a sample to the doctor” and he’s like “sure” and grabs one from under the counter, “That will be $1.85”.  PHEW!!!

Then I go to the supermarket to get those brown paper lunch bags, I mean I didnt want hubby to be embarrassed carrying it in a plastic supermarket bag…. anyway they were out of them so I had to go to another store.  Hello, I got home at like 9pm. It was ridiculous.

Ok so drama averted.  Well no not really.  Lets fast forward to this morning.

So we stick to the same routine from last IUI.  I go out to get coffee and wait in the car.  I downloaded the first season of 30 Rock to my I-pod touch so I watched an episode of that and then he was coming out of the house.  But something was wrong.

He gets in the car and he looked like a deer in headlights.  And he was about to cry.  Now trust me when I tell you, I have seen him cry 1 time in our entire relationship and it was at his favorite uncles funeral.  “Honey, whats wrong?” he looks at me and says “I think there is a problem”  then he pauses and I wait for him to tell me what the heck is he talking about, i mean he had already handed me the brown paper bag.  “there is blood in it”.  “I’m f**king scared”.  So I take it out and look and sure enough there is like a few smears of blood in it.  

He starts to drive and hes a mess, I mean he is really really scared.  So I say “hon, calm down, we will go to the dr. and you will ask him, I mean hes a doctor”…. so I start googling on my blackberry and I can’t really get anything other than its not that uncommon when there is a strain or something. And he’s like “tell me, do you think its cancer, does it say anything about cancer?” and I said “well, it mentions prostate cancer but I really really doubt thats it”.

Anyway we get to the clinic and its saturday so not a ton of people are there and we are the only ones in the waiting room.  The nurse takes the bag and gives it to the lab person and we ask if the Doctor is in, and the nurse said he would be here in a few mins so hubby asks to talk to the lab person.  She told him that she has seen it before and since they wash the sample then its ok and she can still use it.  

So about 30 mins later, the doctor gets there, they put us in the room and while the doctor is basically doing the IUI hes talking to hubby and telling him that he doesnt think its much to worry about, thats he has seen it a bunch of times but that he should go see a urologist to just get checked out.  He said most likely it will just go away on its own.

So he felt much better after that, but he is definatley going to get it checked out.  

So the thats the drama.  I swear these situations only happen to me.

Now as I’m sitting here, not that I would wish this to happen to anyone, but I feel like hubby FINALLY got a taste of what I’ve been through this year, especially when I got the news of my thyroid cancer.  Was that mean?  I always felt like he had a hard time letting me be scared about my news and would dismiss it sometimes, ” you are going to be fine, relax” etc….  I did not do that to him,  I rubbed his back, I let him talk, I listened…. etc… So maybe he learned a tiny lesson with this incident?  I hope its no big deal, I really do not need another thing to worry me.

Oh and more news- I got the offer for the new job.  WAY lower than I expected, and I knew it would be less than I make now, but I didnt think this low.  Anyway, I have alot of thinking to do over the weekend because really its the long term that I have to consider .  This is a well know cable channel- everyone knows it.  Where I am now?  It seriously might not exist in a year or 2.  Besides the fact that I hate it there.  I’m probably going to take the job, but financially its a step back for me, but thinking about the economy and having a stable job may me what I need and not more cash in the short term.  Oh and it for sure is a good career move for me.  Decisions Decisions.  I wish the right answer would just appear to me.  I made a ton of bad decisions last year and it’s hard to trust myself again!

So my honey dropped me home, he went to the gym and then we are headed to a family get together later this afternoon.

Have a great weekend everyone!!  I am not looking forward to the 2ww 😦

Tomorrow January 9, 2009

Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in Uncategorized.
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Is my 2nd IUI.  I had my ultrasound this morning.  Get this, no follicles on the right side, 4 follicles on the left.  20mm, 11mm, 9mm, 9mm.  I saw the doctor and he said tomorrow is day 11 so it might be a little early but I need to see what you blood work says.  I got a message about 2pm from the nurse that said, do the trigger now, and come in tomorrow 8:15 for your IUI.   I didnt call them back yet.  I did the trigger in the bathroom at work – which was very weird.  

I’m nervous its too early.  We did it on CD 11 last time and no dice…. but I did the trigger at like 730pm the night before.  

wish us luck.

Happy New Year! January 3, 2009

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I hope everyone had a happy New Year and spent the last hours of 2008 hoping and wishing….and willing 2009 to be a great year.

We went over to our neighbors and had a great time.  Mind you there were 2 women 8 months pregnant there and every couple had at least one child under 5.  This did not bother me really, but I did feel a little left out.  These people are all our age and I really liked all of them.  We got tons of – “do you have any kids”…. and I just smiled and said “not yet, but hopefully soon”.  I mean what was I going to say?  There was one woman who asked me and then she put her arm around me and said, “it will happen” and just smiled back.  It was the first time I met her but for some reason I know she knew the hurt I felt. Like maybe she had been there before?  who knows…..

Other than that, drank way too much wine and ate entirely too much food.  Woke up with quite a hangover but hubby went out and got coffee and all in all it was a nice morning.  

I was remembering last new years day, the first day of 2008.  Woke up it was raining and dreary and I stayed in my pjs all day and watched tv.  It was quite depressing and the next day on the way to work is when I found out my company was for sale.  

So pretty much right away- me and 2008 got off on the wrong foot.

So this morning when the sun was shining bright, well I got a good feeling. Welcome 2009!

Yesterday morning I went for my 3 day ultrasound and blood work.  Everything came back “normal” and I am to take my 50 mg of clomid for the next 5 days and next appt is in one week (so next Friday).  Also ordered the trigger shot and should show up at hubbys work by Wednesday.  The nurse told me that although it is so easy to get discouraged just be positive that all of our tests are right where they should be.  So I am being hopeful.  Its the only thing thats going to get me through this.

Back to work on Monday which I am dreading, but hopefully I will get an offer for that new job sometime next week also.

Thats all I got, just wanted everyone to know I am alive, happy and hopeful.