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Outlook not so good December 2, 2011

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I use to hate getting that message on the magic 8 ball when I was a kid. It’s my reality now though. Here in florida I tested this am. negative. I am really surprised and frankly I feel pretty beaten up. I can’t take the beta till Monday and I really wanna stop the progesterone but my husband won’t let me as he wants to wait till it’s confirmed by blood.
Sad. Starting to feel helpless.


compulsive behavior December 1, 2011

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I needed to pee on a stick tonight.  OCD and compulsive behavior are the culprits.   It was negative.  Is it too soon?  Am I holding out hope for no reason? It is 6 days post transfer…….. feeling bewildered.

5 days November 29, 2011

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5 days ago we transfered 2 blastocysts.  We had the best cycle with this protocol.  11 eggs retrieved, 8 fertilized…. we only had 2 that made it to blastocysts….but we had zero last round so this is good news.

Last time it worked I had crazy cramps right about now and could have sworn I was getting my period……. this time it has been kinda quiet in symptom land….I’m feeling really tired but that could just be me being tired….. other than that I’m just trying to remain positive…

We are traveling to Florida for a long weekend and will miss beta day….. which is Saturday.  We wont be back till Sunday night …. so beta has been pushed to Monday.

I cannot imagine being strong enough to not test before….. thoughts?

 I would appreciate any good vibes you all can send me – thank you 🙂




I can’ t believe it’s been a whole year November 14, 2011

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My baby girl turned a year old last week.  How did that happen? She is such a joy.  We have so much fun with her.  Sometimes I just sit and watch her in amazement . Yesterday I saw her trying to put her socks on.  A little person, with thoughts and feelings.  It’s crazy to me, that she exists.

 I want her to have a sibling….. Is it selfish?  I don’t know…..If you asked me this before I ever was pregnant with her I would have said yes….

We are in the middle of our 2nd try at baby #2.  Dr. L tried a different protocol this time…  I started estrogen patches on day 21 and antigon for days 21,22, 23…..

I’m currently on day 10 of my cycle.  10 follicles, which is a huge, huge improvement. They are growing slow though so still going to stim for a few more days.

Feels surreal.

sigh October 12, 2011

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officially negative.

Starting over October 12, 2011

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So I just got back from my beta blood draw.  I wont hear back until after lunch sometime, but I know the result is negative. I took a test monday night and again this morning and the FRER could not have been more white.  It will be ok.  I will survive. The thing is , I’ve always had a problem with failure, hits deep on my self esteem or something.  Ultimatley I’m glad I tested early since beta fell on a weekday….

I hope we can do it again, muster up the courage and get ready for another rollercoaster ride.   Just kinda want this day to be over.

a little more background October 10, 2011

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I’m a week out from my 5 day transfer.  We got 7 eggs this time, same as last.  6 Fertilized, only 4 did last time.  However, this time they were all very slow growing and by the time of transfer, the 2 embryos that were left were not even blastocysts yet, they were still mourlas.  Not so good.

Dr. L said I can still get pregnant with these embryos, but the truth is, the chances are less.  I don’t know how much less, but much less I’m sure.  He seemed dissapointed.

I really really really thought that I would be different this time around, I already have a wonderful healthy 11 month old and the pressure should be off right?  not so much.

I feel like my body just doesnt do things right….. I am so so so lucky I got pregnant last time.  I think there was a higher power looking out for me as I was honestly teetering off the edge of insanity.

I do not feel like it worked.  Not just saying that either.

Can I go through this again?  Well, yeah I can and I will.  I guess no one ever said it would be easy. I just wish for once something could be easy.  I dont have the time for things to be hard anymore. 


questions October 6, 2011

Posted by stoptheworldiwanttogetoff in Uncategorized.

Is it ok that I havent felt like updating this blog in so long because it reminded me of the pain of infertility and how I would read others “infertility blogs” turned “baby blogs” and feel sad?

Is it right that when we decided to go through IVF again so soon that I thought it would be easier since I had been through it before?  Less stressful?  I mean we have a perfect 11 month old so there should be no pressure right?

Is it strange that I’m reading my very own posts for support?

I just did not think I would feel this way again, ever.


I’m a Mom November 28, 2010

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Our beautiful baby girl A.d.d.i.s.o.n  was born on 11/9 (2 days past due date) via c-section.  She was 7lbs, 15 oz and 20 inches long.  I have a ton to write….. birthstory, adventures in breastfeeding etc…. but things are kinda crazy right now so I’ll have to save it for another day this week.  Hubby was gone the week after she was born for new job training and we had a house full of whoever would help me ….needless to say its been a whirlwind.

I have alot to be thankful for this year.

34 Week Update September 27, 2010

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Hello.  Yes it’s me.  Your long lost blogging friend.

34 weeks, 1 day.  Wow.  I never thought we would get here.

Things are coming along….. I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure and some pain “down there”…… I tried to describe this to my hubby as “lightening vagina” and he honestly just stared at me with a pretty blank face.

I told the doc and they gave me an internal at my last appt.  Cervix is closed but the baby was/is head down (this was at my 32 week appt.) and doc said baby is lower than he usually sees at 32 weeks….. so he would like me off my feet a bit more.  To which my hubby gladly shouted “well she commutes to NYC every day” and the doc said well, I will write you a note and maybe you work from home 2 days a week.   So that being said, I’ve been doing that the last 2 weeks and it has been much better.  Still feeling the “lightening vagina” though…. Doc says its just the baby pushing on a nerve.  Damn though it can really hurt sometimes.

SO here is the other delima.  Hubby just got a new job.  It is a great job. It is a perfect job and means more money and more flexibility on hours and will allow us to use daycare instead of a nanny or an au pair. 

Training for this said job is 6 weeks, 4 of which is done at the company’s headquarters- 2 hours away.

I am due Nov 7th.  His first week away is 10/4 (m-f) ok no big deal.  Then he is home study the next 2 weeks.  Then he is gone 10/25 (m-f), 11/3-11/5 and then week of 11/8 (m-f) and 11/15 (m-f).    I mean can the timing be worse??

I cried for 2 days when I found this out.  he spoke to the company who said that have him go to the training and play it by ear…. he is only 2 hours away so once he gets word that I’m in labor, he can high tail it to the hospital and still make it with plenty of time.  However……. they said he really cannot miss more than one day of training….. not that they are being jerks, the training is really important to the job he will be doing….

Anyway, this is so so so upsetting to me.  I really need him there with me!  I see the doc on Friday so hoping he would consider inducing me on Oct 29th since he doesnt have to go back until the 3rd of Nov.  The problem with that is that its a week before my due date…. so not sure what the doc’s view on that is…

Oh boy.  say a prayer for me.